A Letter To My Son

Hi Kayaan.

Let me begin by sharing an embarrassing memory of my childhood with you. I was a little boy relative to what I am today and a considerably grown-up lad relative to what you are today. I remember laying in bed, weeping softly. I was consumed by the thought of the responsibilities my unborn child was going to bring to my life. Chiefly, I was worried about how I would get a baby to learn words and languages. Six months ago, years after the passing of this awkward night, I received news of your arrival. I was on the road between cities, trying to get to the airport so I could fly home and welcome you. In the hours leading up to your birth, I was the least anxious member in the household. I remember licking the last layers off a chocolate sundae in the car when I received a phone call: “You are a father now.”

I looked at the molten remains of the sundae. The vision instantly took me back to my first ever visit to an ice-cream parlour – and a multitude of other firsts of childhood. That was arguably the first time in my life I understood how rapidly time fleets us by. The years between the night I worried about fatherhood as a boy of seven and the afternoon I finally became a father are a blur; I could paraphrase the description of that entire era in between to a single line: “That was fast.”I now also realized that many lessons beyond just the education of words and languages were in order. Now is as good a time as any other to talk about them. As someone who is still scaling the learning curve of wisdom, it is crucial I dispense advice as soon as I absorb it myself.

Understand that time is a raging beast. We can try running as fast as we want and we will still always remain two steps behind it. A better way to combat its speed is to slow down. We are going nowhere with all the haste and the stress. Time flies, but it also leaves for us various packets of lasting memories. If we can gracefully accept and make use of these packets in the present instead of brooding over them once they have been left behind, we will worry a lot lesser about regretting an underutilized past. Slow down. Don’t be in a hurry to grow up. Laze under a tree. Day-dream. Labour over your first craft project. Make friends. Make as many mistakes. Years later your fondest days will be found only in old photographs and in your nostalgic brooding. But there will also be the comfort that you did the best you could have done with them and that you will now be ready to face the next onslaught of time with a smile.

Speaking of smiles, I love the smile, no, the giggle you offer me when I give you a bath. I pour a stream of water on your belly from above your head. Do you giggle because it tickles you? Or are you just awed by the flow of the stream? I love how you try to hold that stream with one open palm while balling the other fist with determination. And every time, that stream escapes your open palm and lands right on your belly. You acknowledge the slippage every time and break into peals of laughter. I would like you to keep up this laughter for the many slippages and failures the universe has in store for us. Your pursuit of a goal must never cease. Go for the stream of water until your conviction in the ability to hold it lasts. If you cannot hold it, do break into those peals of laughter. We have only so much capacity to be excellent in a handful of things we do. For everything else, we must be gracious in acknowledgement of defeat or inability. Covering up our weaknesses is not just like chasing our tails, but it also takes away from us the joy of revelling in our strengths.

It would be a no-brainer to mention that I would like to see you a happy person. But happiness is difficult to acquire especially when we consider the costs of such acquisition. Happiness and guilt are both states of the mind, but they cannot co-exist. Hence we must note that while seeking happiness is our right, ensuring it is not sourced at the cost of another’s happiness is that other person’s right. We are all part of an ecosystem the balance of which cannot be disturbed. Hurting someone else to derive personal happiness will only return to haunt us later. Be gentle to others in order that others can be gentle to you. This does not mean we ought to be meek and submissive and resilient to injustice. It only means that we ought not to be the ones initiating any sort of injustice. It only means that we set ourselves as examples of fine human beings who understand the meaning of respecting others’ space, privacy, honour and sentiments. Everyone has one’s own demons to deal with, just as we do. If you ever have the urge to make a joke, try targeting yourself before taking a dig at someone whose backstory you know nothing about. It will be very satisfying.

Some sections of our society have disturbing notions regarding what makes a fine man. For various reasons it is believed that being a man is about exercising power and aggression over women. These reasons are rooted so deeply into our so-called values that it is difficult to convince our generations otherwise. But it is up to fine boys like you to turn these beliefs around and to reform our value system. Being a man is not about displaying brute force and false bravado. It is about showing the courage to tell right and wrong apart, it is about harnessing your strength to fight injustice rather than to perpetrate it, it is about showing compassion and respect over dominance. The love and attention of a woman is meant to be earned by her trust in a man’s strength of character and not by his overt display of manhood. I have faith that you will be the man a respectable society deserves. And I am sure you will always live up to its expectations.

We strive to give you the same love and care we have received from our parents. We have experienced it and we know it is what has made us who we are. Now while you go through your highs and your lows and your adolescence and its pressures, always remember that we will be around, rooting for your success. We might crave your love but we are not likely to demand it. I can say that at least for myself. I will continue to be your jester, your entertainer I am today – trying every trick in his bag to make his son laugh. I will lend you an ear when you want me to. I will be your raft that will help you tide through your challenges. And that will make me happy. But I would very much like you to reciprocate the love your mother gives you. There is no form of unconditional giving that will ever amaze you more. She is a strong-willed woman and she will guard you with all her care. Treasure her love like you mean it, for this is the one truth in your life that will never fail you.